Pat Robertson must be right because we’re obviously on our way to Hell

What is that giant, burning orb in the sky? This is Portland, the Pacific Northwest, the middle of a rainforest. We don’t see the sun here, let alone triple-digit temps, but it must be a sign of impending doom because we all know that global warming is a crock of shit, right? What else is there to say. I’ve been through hot midwest summers and it doesn’t really get humid here, but if I hear anyone say that ‘it’s a dry heat’, I’m gonna slap ‘em. Hot is hot. I’m gonna go take my third shower of the day and then mooch off someone’s AC.

UPDATE: For so bravely putting up with today’s heat wave, I decided to treat myself to a little all-you-can-eat sushi and crab legs for dinner. Mmmmm… Todai.

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